Pink Icing and Blossoms
by Logic-Lapse
Summary: Nine Akatsuki, four mixing bowls, three packs of sugar and one certain pink haired shinobi. Who would have thought S Classed criminals would have to learn how to cook? [ Akatsuki x Sakura ] [ Chapters Revised! ]
1. Chapter 1

**Pink Icing and Blossoms**

**AN:** Ah, crack fanfiction. Don't take seriously, all right?

IMPORTANT NOTE: I revised the first chapter because it was annoying me. Note that the plot has slightly changed now.

**Disclaimer:** I DON'T own any of these characters, I just write fanfiction for them. D

As weeks go, this one just hadn't been bad. It had been complete and utter nightmare for the mastermind group at Akatsuki hide-out.

On Monday, Deidara had stuffed a full roll of tissue paper down the toilet, nearly breaking the plumbing system and leaving barely any water left in the pipes. Hidan and Kakuzu had then had an explosive fight over the one shower that was working, ending thus in their couch being ripped to shreds.

Kisame finally had nearly cried over the pieces of his favourite couch skewered on the floor, and locked himself in the damp bathroom for hours. Itachi only managed to bring him out of his whimpering only after he promised to 'personally come with him to buy a new one' (he'd said it, oddly enough, with clenched teeth).

Nerves were ridiculously tense, and hands were just twitching to get around throats by the time the drizzly, wet Saturday had rolled round. Pein, the leader had called a meeting in the kitchen that morning, and everyone was now crammed into the tiny, crowded little room.

'Right, I'm going to guess you're all aware of our little problem.'

He began, after coughing.

'Like hell little!

Deidara suddenly called out angrily from somewhere in the back.

'I haven't had a shower IN a week un! My hair's starting to lose its natural Fruit of the forest's smell!! UN. And what's…'

Everyone turned to look behind them then and Deidara faltered. '… W-what's with all those angry looks?'

'WHAT THE FUCK IS WITH THESE ANGRY LOOKS?!!!'

Suddenly, an exetremly pissed off Hidan was throttling Deidara's neck. The blonde gagged, his head bopping back and forth like a ragdoll's.

'I'll TELL you WHAT THE FUCK is with these looks. YOUR FUCKING PIECE OF TOILET ROLL COSTING US WATER AND MONEY IS WHAT!!'

'I-I. D-didn't. M-mean. T-to…'

Deidara flailed his arms pathetically as he tried to wail out an explanation.

Hidan's outburst turned the kitchen into an instant, crazy uproar. Suddenly half of the Akatsuki tried to jump on Deidara. While the other half, severely confused in the cosy space, jumped on each other.

'Why does everything have to turn to violence with us?'

Pein rolled his eyes and picked up a wooden spoon that had been conviently thrown from the fray to the counter beside him. Then, he slammed it down on said counter with considerable force.

The Akatsuki (now somehow crammed into one corner with Deidara desperately trying to escape into the tiny fridge) froze and looked up at him.

'As I was saying, we have both plumbing and money troubles.'

The wooden spoon that was now cracked in half, the dip in the spoon hanging by a thread on the handle was waved in the air to emphasize his point. 'The plumbing… accident, was really the clincher for our money troubles though.'

Everyone blinked, confused looking. It was fairly obvious that they had money troubles lately. The lack of food, nail-polish, hot showering water and general comfortable living had been a bit lacking this month.

But they were the Akatsuki, they always scraped by… _right?_

'Basically, we're broke.'

The reaction was a stunned silence at first. Apart from Hidan again choking Deidara that was. Kakuzu dragged him back screaming and glared straight at Pein as he restrained Hidan.

'What do you mean we're broke… we can't be, we're the damned Akatsuki for god's sake!' He quietly hissed, simultaneously letting go of Hidan who fell to the floor with a shout and a 'fuck!' as he waved his hands in the air.

'We're broke.'

Pein stated simply and calmly again.

'Really, do you think the life of an s-class criminal would be glamorous?'

The looks on their faces obviously said differently. Pein shook his head and sighed.

'Even daily living costs were starting to catch up with us and with the plumbing expense… we could even end up evicted. Homeless and Penniless, without showers, mirrors or food... possibly in the next week if we can't get the final due payment in.'

This time the reaction was pure panic.

'Broke?!! But HOW. I counted that money to the last Yen!!'

'WHAT the FUCK?! What fucking money's going to pay for my sacrifices then!!'

'Look what you've done Deidara, you bastard!'

'Look what I've done, YOU spent all that money on those wooden bolts! UN.'

'B-but, THINK OF THE COUCH!'

'Mhm… this means I can still eat people… right?'

Zetsu was the last to speak for suddenly, Itachi who had been standing quietly in the corner all this time, finally moved. 'The answer is simple. We need to make more money…'

A silence followed and Itachi glanced round at the scrutinizing, accusing glares with a raised eyebrow. Kisame finally spoke up, seeming to be the only one who could bother to.

'Thanks for the bloody obvious Itachi! We've needed money ever since we started shopping at the convience store!'

Kisame flailed his arms wildly as he spoke.

Everyone nodded along with this.

'Were simply not going to earn money by standing around here… especially now that we're broke!' Kakazu announced dryly, making everyone nod faster again.

'Exactly.'

Pein was somewhat glad Kakazu was a walking piggy-bank. At least he was focused on the making money part, instead of being more worried about his hair or food, or _nail polish _(when needed).

'So, that is the second announcement I had for you all – last week I wanted you to at least try to think up ideas for the next meeting… _any ideas_.'

There was quiet shuffling.

'TOBI has an idea!'

'Any ideas at all…?'

'Tobi has an idea please leader-sama!'

'ANYONE AT ALL.'

Tobi still waved his one hand frantically in the air, trying to catch his attention. Pein groaned. Whenever Tobi had an idea, bad things tended to happen afterwards.

Like the time he decided to keep those two rabbits in a hutch outside. They had bred, literally, like rabbits. They still hadn't got rid of the smell.

Or the time he tried to paint the living room pink. Itachi had nearly killed him though luckily for Tobi, he had managed to be convinced that it was only a light red.

So he tried to avoid Tobi's _brilliant_ schemes whenever he could. Though he couldn't ignore his frantic hand that was jostling an impassive looking Sasori and a pissed off Hidan.

'PLEASE LEADER-SAN'

Pein rubbed his temples. 'Fine… Tobi. Shoot.' Everyone systematically groaned.

'Well Tobi thinks we should win some money! Tobi means, we should enter a competition!' He bounced up and down on his heels and waved both his hands in the air this time. 'And Tobi's found the perfect competition, lookie, lookie!'

He pulled out a brightly coloured sheet a paper from nowhere and waved it in the air.

'Give me that!'

Sasori hissed and swiped the sheet of paper from Tobi's hand. He stared at it for a moment, raising an eyebrow. 'Well, what the hell does it say?' Hidan demanded.

'Want your cooking skills to be known, or just want to make some extra money?'

His eyes widened and his voice rose as he read further.

'Join in on the village's annually cooking festival then. Prize for the best dish!'

'…'

Everyone, with wide eyes, ogled Sasori and the leaflet he held.

'Tobi, that has to be the stupidest thing I've ever heard.' Kakazu finally managed to choke out. 'I agree.' Sasori hissed between his gritted teeth and began to tear up the leaflet.

'Noes!'

Tobi pleaded and grasped at Sasori's arm, but then Deidara bonked him on the head. He gave an 'ouch' and whimpered as his sensei started to lecture him. 'For the last time Tobi, don't pick up random leaflets un! You remember what happened when you adopted those rabbits!? UN?'

Sasori threw the torn pieces into the bin and rubbed his hands clean.

'What the fuck Tobi?! Why the hell would the Akatsuki cook!?' Hidan twitched beside Tobi. 'And especially in a wide open area.' Kisame picked up. 'We're the Akatsuki! We can't just go into a village and hope that no one recognizes us!'

Pein sighed, and rubbed his temples again.

'Right, we'll excuse that Tobi… so, does anyone have any actually GOOD IDEAS.'

Despite Deidara trying to hold him down, Tobi was frantically trying to wave his hand in the air again. 'For the love of god UN. TOBI!' Deidara quietly hissed to him.

'B-but, Tobi has something else to say!'

'Tobi! UN. SHUT. UP.'

Pein again couldn't ignore Tobi's hand. 'WHAT TOBI.'

'B-but, leader-sama can't ignore Tobi's idea. Tobi already called the number on the sheet!' Deidara twitched at his plead, and hoped to god that either Tobi was delusional or he was hearing things. Everybody turned, obviously praying for the same thing.

'W-what do you mean… Tobi?'

Pein asked calmly, though there was a distinct quiver in his voice. 'Please tell me, oh no… you didn't right?'

He could see Tobi's grin perfectly through his mask. 'Oh Tobi did, Leader-Sama!'

'Oh good God.'

Itachi spoke for everyone in the silence. 'You mean… you called the number, and entered us?'

'As team Akatsuki!' Tobi responded happily.

'And tell me Tobi… can you cook?' Itachi asked next, raising an incredulous eyebrow. 'Uh…' Tobi smile faltered under his mask, and he took a second to think. 'Yes Tobi, tell everyone what a FUCKING wonderful cook you are UN!!'

Deidara screamed and began to throttle Tobi by the throat.

'Get that leaflet, we're going to pull out of it.' Itachi commanded and pointed to the bin in the corner. Kisame, who was closet to it, quickly pulled it up and dumped it onto the floor.

'Was that really necessary Kisame?' Sasori asked through his gritted teeth as a small wave of banana skins and Chinese takeaway wrappings spilled onto his feet. He shook his legs, throwing off some potato skins. It flew off to land on a counter but before it could, Zetsu grabbed it in mid air, and chewed on it.

'You eat rubbish too?' Kisame asked, his face half fascinated, half disgusted. 'Zumtcimes' Zetsu mumbled back as he munched his way through the rubbish. 'Number.' He held out a piece of paper and happily went back to the contents of the rubbish bin.

Kakazu suddenly snatched it though and shook his head. 'We can't just pull out Itachi.' He stated. 'And why not?' Itachi frowned.

'Well for starters, you just can't demand to pull out of competition… it's suspicious enough already… besides…'

Pein in and held up a piece of paper Zetsu had picked out of his mouth. '500,000 yen reward. Enough to pay this month's bill and next month's and the plumbing along with it.'

Everyone stared at him. 'You seriously can't be agreeing to this, I mean, can anyone cook here?!' He motioned around at everybody who shuffled and shook their heads. 'Can't even make toast.' Deidara muttered.

'Does anyone else have a better idea? Because the Akatsuki are going to be homeless otherwise. I was hoping you lot might finally own up to hoards of money you might be keeping. Or perhaps some long-lost aunt we could knock mysteriously off the map and claim serious money from the will.' He had obviously been thinking about this while everyone else argued. 'But since you obviously spent the week thinking about your personal hygiene… this is our only shot bar prostitution… and NO, we're not doing that.'

Kakazu sighed miserably.

'So that means Leader-sama?' Tobi yipped excitedly.

Pein sighed heavily. 'Yes Tobi, we're going to… well at least try your idea. What do we have to lose, I suppose?'

'_I am going to regret this.'_ He told himself quietly.

Deidara coughed at the awkward silence that followed.

'So who can cook un…?'

---

Far away, in Konoha of the Fire Country, a certain pink haired shinobi leaned away from her mixing bowl and sneezed.

'Nhm. Hope I'm not catching a cold…'

She frowned, and glanced out the window at the cloudless day before returning to her soon to be iced pink cake.

**AN: **Thanks for reading! Please rate and review.


	2. Chapter 2

**AN:** Woah, thanks for all the support in my last chapter 3. It was really appreciated.

And on forth for chapter 2! Sorry for the slight wait, I've been really busy. XD But it's longer than the last, so enjoy!

Hehe, I have a plot going with this now. XD Sorry I'm so slow getting the story moving by the way. Hopefully it should pick up soon. XD

**Disclaimer:** I DON'T own any of these characters, I just write fanfiction for them. D

'Ouch.'

Sakura hissed and stood up swearing. For what was perhaps the thousandth time that day, she had burnt herself on the cooker trying to pull out her done cake. It was still in there though, close to becoming incinerated, so she simply shook out her hand, grabbed a puppet shaped mitt and pulled it out more carefully this time.

Easily, she was one of the far busier shinobi in Konoha. To pay bills, she'd kept to the rule of using every inch of time in her possession and had joined the hospital's medic team on top of being a working shinobi. Despite being talented, it wasn't easy and this year loomed worse for her because of the hospital cutbacks.

Though she'd managed to soften the blow by having a friendly word with her sensei from two years ago, they still needed to have this bake sale to literally keep the patients on the bed.

Not to mention the hospital, by complete accident, had discovered her talent for cooking when she had been on lunch duty. Right now, she was really damning those patients who weren't sick enough to avidly compliment her food in the first place.

'So that's three sponge cakes… two chocolate… I'm going to need more icing for the next few… and then there's the buns I need to make…'

She muttered to herself, ticking off what need to be done on the impossibly long list for the hospital's bake sale.

The steaming sponge cake was placed on the counter beside what had already been done, and she moved to the mixing bowl beside it. She swore at the sight of it, for the mixed goo had hardened when she had been busy with the cooker. Groaning, Sakura struggled to stir it, one foot gripping to the side of the counter push against the cement-like mixture.

But then there was a sudden beep beside her. 'AUGH, the fish-sticks!' She cried, the mixture bowl left forgotten as she made a sudden jump for the cooker and hastily pulled it half out before there was a sudden crash behind her. The mixture bowl had slipped off the counter and goo was slipping out of it slowly beside her feet.

'Nuts.' Sakura groaned again and went for it, but then remembered the attention seeking fish-sticks beside her. 'Fuckfuck…' She swore yet again as she reached for the burning fish-sticks, but suddenly lost her footing and flipped the tray then managed to catch herself with the side of the counter.

With a small, tired little sigh, Sakura simply slipped onto the floor beside the now fish-stick covered mixture.

---

'We need help.'

There was a sudden yelp from Deidara as the toaster exploded. Again.

'Badly.'

Itachi announced with a heavy sigh as Tobi tried to fan out the flames. 'Owie!' Bad idea with long sleeves though; he shrieked as his cloak was set on fire. 'Tobi, YOU idiot! UN' Dei half threw himself on Tobi and tried to beat out the fire.

'Isn't there… a jutsu or something we can use to make us… y'know COOK good?' Sasori questioned Itachi almost desperately as he poked his omelet, or whatever it was, with the butt of his fork.

Itachi who was busying himself with the fire extinguisher and Tobi's cloak, turned after a moment and shook his head.

There was a collective sigh in the room. 'You mean… we have to fucking learn by fucking PRACTICE then?!' Hidan hissed from the back of the kitchen. He had paused from his work to speak for a second, but then continued to maul at the strips of salmon he had on the counter. There was a slight whimper from Kisame cowering nearby as the fish was ripped into tiny pieces.

'If you have any better ideas; then we'd gladly hear them Hidan…' Kakazu, who was bending over to pull out the ball of slime from the cooker. He made a face at it, sighed, and handed it over to a drooling Zetsu (who had been designated the official waste food bin).

Hidan was about to sarcastically answer back when there was loud ouch near the sink. Deidara, being the blonde he was, was trying to run hot water over Tobi's burns. Tobi was wailing loudly and trying to drag himself away from the sink, only to be held down by a swearing Deidara.

Glaring at them for interrupting for a moment, Hidan continued. 'Well I don't fucking know, have a yard sale or something…' Everyone who was listening raised their eyebrows incredulously at him. 'All right, bad idea, but there must be fucking SOMEONE who can cook here right?!' He waved his arm- scythe over the crowd stuffed into the tiny kitchen.

Everyone shuffled their feet then. Ask the akatsuki to massacre an entire town, ask them to take over a country, and with hardly breaking sweat, they could easily do so. But cook? Already they had made a mess of the kitchen, and it hadn't even been the first day of their 'practice'. Stuff lay everywhere, raisins were spilled over the floor and already, they had managed to break the toaster and the microwave.

'Maybe Konan knows how to…?' Kisame piped up in the silence. 'Idiot.' Sasori hissed. 'Just because she's a woman doesn't mean she can cook…' Kisame ignored him and continued 'Or Pein… speaking of which… where is he?'

Everyone blinked and looked around. Konan was rarely in here anyways (she complained about the amount of testosterone in the headquarters) but it was Pein's job to stay and stop the Akatsuki falling them over themselves. But no one seemed to have seen in hours – right after they'd laid hands on the kitchen utensils actually.

'He's gone?' Sasori muttered after a moment.

'H-he can't be!' Kisame exclaimed as he upturned a bread bin and peered inside desperately. 'Who'll tell us when to eat?!'

'Calm down, I'm sure he's just out doing some shopping or-' Kakazu was suddenly interjected from a sound of gurgling from the back of the room. Everyone glanced over at their shoulders at Deidara who had been trying to drown Tobi for the last five minutes in the sink after he had struggled so much.

Tobi managed to drag his dripping mask out of the water, reached into his pocket and waved a piece of paper. 'Leader-sama left a note.' He stated happily. 'But Tobi forgot to give it-'

'Give me that.' Itachi snatched the letter out of his hand and everyone crowded round him to read it.

_Dear Akatsuki_

_I'm taking just a small trip with Konan for, oh say a week or so._

_Make sure everything is sorted before I get back._

_Or else._

_Pein_

'Fucking bastard…' Hidan muttered after he'd finished. 'Trust him to run off when we needed him-' 'Who says we need him un?' Deidara cut in. 'I doubt miracle Pein can cook, so he can't help us but…un… w-we're in trouble if we don't find some way to keep this place.' Everyone gulped, remembering the 'or else'.

Itachi nodded and ripped the letter into little pieces. 'I didn't want to do this, but someone needs to take charge or were sleeping in the dumpster next week… so I'm going to fall back on plan B.'

Akatsuki stared he rubbed the pieces of paper off his hands. They were used to the Uchiha taking charge in desperate situations but not used to him having a Plan A, let alone a Plan B.

'And what would be that exactly?' Sasori sarcastically asked when he looked up at them again. 'Find a cook to teach us?'

Itachi smirked. 'Exactly.'

---

'Woah, heavvvy.' Sakura moaned as she balanced her long tower of boxes on the way to hospital. Somehow, miraculously, she'd managed to cook and prepare everything that was needed for today's bake sale. Badly yes, but it was the best she could do. Besides, the elderly who lived around here wouldn't notice the taste difference right?

'Sakuraaaa!' The pink haired shinobi groaned at the high-pitched voice of Ayano as Sakura stepped into the front garden of the hospital. She was another nurse that worked with Sakura in the hospital. She was a bit too clingy for Sakura's liking, but she did make a good pack nurse. 'Ayano!' Sakura happily responded, then dumped her boxes on top of the girl when she was beside her.

'So, is it all ready then?' Sakura asked. 'J-j-just a-about n-now t-that y-you're h-here a-anyways…' Ayano managed to struggle out under the weight of the boxes. 'Yup, it does…' Sakura agreed as she glanced round the balloon-decorated, table infested garden, ready for the coming cake-sale.

There was a loud thump as Ayano set down the boxes on one of the tables. 'Well I think everyone appreciates you cooking Sakura, after all, you have great talent for it.' She commented as she turned, smiling, to the shinobi. 'Ever thought of turning professional, you know, you could easily make it if you concentrated on it.'

Sakura twitched and managed to smile back. 'A-ah no… my Mum was just good at it, that's all. Besides, I can't with all these bills to pay…'

Ayano frowned slightly as she began to open the boxes. 'Your rent isn't _that_ high is it? I hear being a shinobi pays very well…' Sakura helped her set out the assortment of cakes and other buns onto the table. 'Well… yes, but I have other things to worry about…'

Curiously, Ayano opened her mouth to question further but another nurse called them from the other side of the garden. 'Ayano, Sakura! We're just about ready to start!' Sakura waved back and nodded.

---

Another hour and the garden was totally overflowing with people.

Unseen to them though, three shadowy figures lurked in the bushes nearby.

'Ouch, Tobi, you stepped on my hand!' Kisame hissed and shoved the masked boy slightly. 'Ah, sorry Kisame-san… AH, owie!' He whispered back as Kisame viciously poked him in the ribs. 'Both of you, shut it.' Itachi muttered as he leaned forward to get a better view.

Konoha had been a prime place to find a chef since it was so big. It had turned round and slapped them in the face though. It was simply too big. And it had dawned on them too how they were going to find a chef in the first place. It wasn't like they were the most friendly looking of people to get _'why yes I am a professional chef' _answer from the average citizen.

Luckily Tobi (who had begged to come) had used his notice taking skills and picked up a leaflet advertising a bake sale at a hospital close to where they had infiltrated. _'Come one, come all, and taste the finest foods of Konoha's chefs.'_ It had seemed like the perfect place to go to first.

And for the last five minutes they had been sneaking around in the bushes like this, all they had heard was compliments for the cook who had apparently made all of the lovely looking spread. 'Beautiful as always Sakura-chan… I don't know what you're doing here in this hospital.' An old lady, sampling a piece of sponge cake was praising a nurse loudly. In return, the girl was shaking her head and hands in a flustered way, denouncing her praises.

All three of them leaned toward the sound of her voice and blinked at the sight of the pretty, pink haired girl. Itachi blinked at the familiar face. 'She can't be… Haruno Sakura…' He muttered, slightly surprised. 'Eh, you know that pretty little number?' Kisame asked, smirking slightly. 'I know she's a shinobi, which complicates things a little.' Itachi answered mildly. 'But she'll do, especially if she knows what's best for her.' He nodded.

Kisame grinned again though showing his teeth this time. 'Brilliant…' He replied, obviously content with the idea of a _girl_ coming back with them. 'Far better then Konan…' Itachi rolled his eyes. 'If Konan won't answer to your obvious flirting, fish-face, what makes you think that girl will?' Kisame gave him a hurt look. 'I-I'm not that bad, am I…-'

'Ooh, look, she's moving!' Itachi and Kisame both jerked up from their conversation as Tobi happily pointed to a pair of legs that were moving around their bush.

'Quick! Follow her.' Itachi hissed as he, and the other two, hastily backed out of the bush and followed the girl who was carrying a box towards the hospital.

They snuck down the path behind her, but before they could get close, she sharply turned towards the building and entered a back door. Itachi moved to catch her before she could close the door but it was too late.

'Shit.' Kisame muttered as they backed up against the building. 'This might be our only chance to- what the hell Tobi?!' Said orange masked boy was curiously standing up, face on the window, eyes glued to something inside. 'It's a kitchen- OW' He started to announce cheerfully, but was dragged down by a pissed off Itachi. 'Tobi, I honestly know it's hard to understand, but for once in your life, try not to do anything stupid-'

There was a clanking of pots and the sound of approaching feet all of a sudden, shutting them all up instantly.

'A-ah, s-she's coming!' Tobi flailed slightly. 'Q-quick, hide!' Itachi flailed a little too, but it was too late, the door was opening, and the pink-haired shinobi was coming out.

'BONK.'

Both Tobi and Itachi blinked as Kisame whacked the girl over the head with his huge sword. She wobbled there for a second, then her knees gave way and she collapsed onto the pavement, unconscious.

'Classy.' Itachi sarcastically muttered after he had recovered. 'What am I; an artist?' Kisame shrugged and bent down to pick up the girl, easily throwing her over his shoulder with one hand. 'Anyways, let's go before someone realizes she's gone.' Itachi began to sharply walk off in the opposite direction followed by Kisame.

'Hhhm…?' Tobi paused to bend down to pick up the slightly squashed box that Sakura had been holding. 'Tobi, come along, or we're going to leave you here.' Itachi called back to him before he could open it. 'Ah, sorry! Coming Itachi-san.' Tobi waved and quickly followed, the box tucked under his arm.

---

When Sakura's eyes flicked open on an unfamiliar ceiling, she groaned and gripped her pounding head.

'_What the fuck… happened… why does it feel like a boulder whacked me over the head…? And….'_ Sakura jerked and sat straight up straight in the messy bed when she realized that her surroundings were very strange. Certainly not her bedroom, nor a hospital room, the dingy small room was neither.

'So you're awake…' This time, something familiar spoke quietly beside her. Fearfully, Sakura swiveled her eyes as something started to stand up before her. Her gaze immediately fastened on the crimson eyes and she gasped. _'Uchiha… Itachi…'_ Was all her mind could say in response.

'Good…'

He was approaching now, to which Sakura responded aggressively. Her fists clenched at the sheets she was lying on as he started to reach into his unmistakable cloak and pull out something.

'Because I need you-'

She pulled up her arms in defense as he sharply pulled out a metal object.

'To tell me what this is.'

Sakura let a tense second or two pass before she looked up at a blankly staring Uchiha.

_Holding an egg beating whisk in his hand._

**AN:** Ahhh, is it just me, or am I developing side personalities for these characters? X.x Kisame is slowly becoming an emotional wreck. XDD

R&R please 3


	3. Chapter 3

**AN:** Thanks for all your support guys! 3 Sorry for being so late by the way. The chapter's have been revised slightly by the way, so you might want to read through them again.

**Disclaimer:** I DON'T own any of these characters, I just write fanfiction for them. D

'And so… will you help us?'

Sakura stared at the nine eyes all pleading at her in slight shock.

'You mean… you, the Akatsuki… have captured me for the sole reason of teaching all of you how to cook…?'

'Um please?' Itachi hesitantly asked and they all leaned forward expectantly.

She continued to stare for a moment and then suddenly burst straight out laughing. 'HAHA –YOU?! The AKATSUKI? COOK? HAHAHAA….!' Sakura clutched at her stomach and leaned forward in hysterics.

All nine of them blinked and reeled slightly as the girl almost slipped off the couch with laughter. 'U-um… heh, we asked nicely didn't we…?' Kisame wasn't the only one looking hurt and embarrassed at her outburst, Sasori shuffled silently and even Itachi had turned his head away from manic girl who was rolling around in front in of the couch.

'Cook… akatsuki…' Sakura wheezed into the old carpet then finally stopped. She crawled back onto the couch and seated herself appropriately again – but a huge grin was still on her face.

'You still haven't given us your answer.' Itachi began, only to be interjected by a flustered looking Dei. 'We really do…' Sakura sniggered and he glared, silencing her. 'Need help! Un!'

'Seriously…' Sakura said, a smile still restraining itself. 'You're the _Akatsuki_.' She stressed. 'Even if I wanted to – not saying I am now, it's not like mass murderers can learn how to cook just like that…' She snapped her fingers, shrugged, and grinned yet again.

'WHATDAJAMEAN?' A Hidan, that had been simmering quietly at the back of the conversation, finally exploded. He lunged at Sakura and grabbed her by the collar of her rather modest nurse's uniform. 'We can't fucking cook my ass! That's why _you're _fucking here!'

Sakura suddenly found herself suspended in mid-air, held by one very pissed off Hidan who was simultaneously waving his scythe wildly in her face. 'So you fucking better… or else…!' He snarled, bringing his face closer to hers. She glared straight back, her previously humored mood evaporating much like her hopes of escape.

'_Recount situation Sakura…'_ Her racing mind calmly told her. '_You're being held by the Akatsuki. S-classed criminals who want to learn how to cook… heheh… cook… concentrate, concentrate! Said criminals, who despite wanting to learn such a ridiculous thing… can kill you instantly if you refuse to co-operate…'_ She glanced around at the other Akatsuki, some of whom had blinked at the outburst, but most were calmly watching the play unfold as if it happened everyday. _'With no apparent way out. So therefore, I best play along for now and see what their real motives are… They really can't be serious on learning how to cook… right?'_

'_But first, I'll have to stop… whoeverheis from choking me…_' Hidan was glaring back now, just waiting for her to flinch.

Though, despite the increasingly worsening situation, Sakura wasn't one to back down limply. She was a strong girl and a bunch of (seemingly) insane male s-classed criminals didn't faze her in the slightest, because of one simple rule.

'_Women rule over men…'_ Her mind flashed back to a day when Jiriya had come into the hokage's office, almost whimpering at the mission Tsunade had assigned… one he had failed too. The Godaime had promptly smacked him around with enough force – with both her words and her fist – to make even Sakura flinch_. 'Remember that Sakura, they think they're in control, but boy, they aren't…' _Jiriya had nearly cried by the time Tsunade had sat herself down and told Sakura that all important statement.

'Hmph.' Sakura didn't dare cringe from his seething glare and went for option one, negotiation. 'First off, rule one, no grabbing your hostage… or whatever I am…' When he didn't answer or loosen his grip, she decided on option two, force.

Sakura instinctively went for his clenched hand, though not wanting to tear her outfit – going with her teeth. Hidan's eyes bulged and he screamed as Sakura bit down as hard as she could. Letting go, he backed off a few feet sharply and waved his hand wildly in thin air.

'Did you FUCKING SEE THAT?! She BIT me!!' He screamed to his unconcerned (even pleased) looking comrades.

'We all saw Hidan.' Kakazu calmly remarked, rolling his eyes.

'SHE FUCKING BIT ME!' He shouted again, ignoring his partner

He ranted for a moment but gained enough sense finally to fiercely direct his attention on the owner of the teethmarks, more accurately a Sakura who was trying to position her nurse's uniform back into place. She barely had a minute to regroup before a snarling Hidan was coming at her – a 200 pound steam roller with a scythe looking none to happy.

Sakura was ready and waiting for him though. As he came full force over the coffee table towards her, she pulled back til' the back of her knees hit the couch behind her, and drew a fist to back past her head.

Hidan had no time what-so-ever to react as he received a fine blow straight into the gut. Neither did the rest of the Akatsuki, they could only stare, heads comically following as one steam roller, plus a coffee table, flew almost slow motion across the room and straight into a wall, denting it considerably.

Slowly, all the heads turned back to the young woman, panting somewhat heavily at the effort of such a punch, and their mouths dropped. All of them had expected a little pink flower that would crumple at their bidding. But the flower packed punch though, and they were shocked out of the hope this was going to be anyway easy.

While Hidan groaned, twitched, and then tried to pull the coffee table off himself, Sakura smartly approached and waggled a finger in his face. 'That's what happens to you when you try to treat a young lady like crap…' And to everybody's _astonishment_, Hidan actually _cowered_ at her words.

The man who swore every single part of his day onto promises of hurting others around him, cowering, was enough to send the whole Akatsuki reeling back onto the couches; most of all Kakazu, who was staring at Sakura as if she had just done a backflip balancing plates on her head.

Sakura swung around and glared at them, making them back up a little from where they were sitting. 'S-so… u-un…' Deidara began shakily. 'I'll take that as a no then… un?'

She glanced round at the Akatsuki (half cowering, still half shocked) and her eyes widened in disbelief. 'You're really serious about this aren't you…? I mean, learning to cook.' She muttered, not really wanting to believe it herself. Even if it was for money – she couldn't believe such a powerful organization would be brought down to cooking for a living.

And she could only imagine the mess they had got themselves into especially since they had been brought down to the level of asking her for help.

They all nodded in unison, along with a cough of agreement from a Hidan sprawled out on the floor behind.

Sakura gave a loud, drawn out sign and shook her head. 'I suppose I have no choice… do I?' She folded her arms as they all looked up eagerly. 'Fine… I'll teach you how to cook…'

'Really?!' All of the Akatsuki jumped up. 'Really, rea-' Sakura started to answer, but her words were banged straight out of her as something orange ran straight at her, and clasped her into a tight hug. 'Thank you Miss, thank you Miss!' Tobi rocked her back and forth in his hug, one which Sakura tried to escape, but it was far too tight to even breath. 'Tobi will make sure Miss is comfortable, oh yes he wil-Owie.'

Grabbing his tuft of hair Deidara suddenly jerked back Tobi and dragged him back from Sakura. 'Sorry about Tobi un. He does that sometimes…' Sakura, who was still reeling from being hugged by an S-classed criminal only nodded. 'Deidara by the way un.'

Suddenly, there was a rush at the mention of names, and Sakura was surrounded by the whole organization, all trying to voice theirs at the same time in a strange kind of girl induced fever. 'I'm Kisame, remember that cutie.' The blue man shoved his face straight at Sakura's and (attempted) to wink, only to be shoved aside by Kakazu who suddenly seemed all that more interested in the girl. 'Kakazu, uh… do you think you could teach me how to-' 'Fuck no!' Hidan, who had finally picked himself out of his embarrassment and smashed into Kakazu. 'Hidan.' He barked then and Sakura blinked. 'My fucking name woman! HIDAN.'

Kakazu at that point began to argue with Hidan, something about _'fucking'_ manners, while Tobi had taken his death grip to Sakura again and was making sure she wasn't escaping this time. Then, Sasori took his chance to approach, nod, mention his name and start up a polite conversation about the weather that seemed oddly unrealistic with a screaming Tobi trying to be ripped away by Deidara again. 'And so… I figured it would be best to take the parasol in before the rain started… and Zetsu, I'd advise you to stop chewing… on… uh…'

Sakura glanced down on the plant-like monster that was innocently by her arm – said arm that was more specifically in his mouth though she didn't stop to question it. But the chewing was enough to send her out of her daze, and Sakura shook her arm roughly and started to peel off a protesting Tobi.

'Sakura. Haruno Sakura.' After finally managing to pry off the orange masked man, Sakura shouted over the din of arguing, which fell silent then. 'So Miss Haruno.' She turned to glare at Itachi that had been watching the mess from afar then waved a hand in the air. 'No matter how much I dislike you, Uchiha-san, I loathe that title even more. Sakura will be just fine.' Everyone turned to stare at Itachi, who plainly looked shocked at being ordered but masked it quickly to save his already diminished pride.

'S-Sakura then.' He muttered, shakily. 'You agree to our terms then?' Sakura sighed. 'I told you that I have no choice, didn't I? BUT.' All the heads turned towards her again. 'You'll have to promise a few things before I go anywhere near a cooker… okay?'

'What then?' A tired sounding Kakazu answered the rhetorical question.

'First off, I get a hot shower every morning. Two, I get proper meals. Three, you lot will bring me out once every two days to get some fresh air – I'm not getting younger you know. And four, I am teaching you to cook. Get that? So don't you dare try anything else.'

Itachi opened his mouth to answer when suddenly, both Sasori and Kakazu dragged him and the rest of the Akatsuki back and shoved him into a little huddle they had formed. 'What?' Hissed Itachi, glaring at the faces shoved up against his. 'Don't tell me you forgot Itachi, first off, we have no plumbing. Second, we can't cook her meals… and third, do you really think we can bring her out for a walk around town?! We're the Akatsuki for god's sake!' Kakazu hissed quietly at the blank Uchiha who simply stared back and sighed.

'But Kakazu she's our only shot…' Deidara started to protest from under Hidan's scythe. 'We'll just have to agree and go along with her demands… someone will just have to fix the pipes…' For some reason, everyone turned to look at Kisame who rolled his eyes and muttered. 'Seriously, have you _ever_ seen a blue plumber..?'

'Annnddd we'll just have to cook her meals and bring her out I suppose…' He half smiled at that, liking the idea of going out around town with an actual woman.

'Ready yet?' Sakura called.

'We just have one question for you.' Itachi turned around to face her. 'Will you cook your own meals… if we bring you food…?' Sakura sighed. 'Fine-'

'I have another fucking question!' Hidan suddenly barged forward and glared straight her. 'How can we fucking know you can actually fucking-' He didn't have time to finish his swear, or his sentence, for Sakura had suddenly shoved him aside her shoulder. 'Heey, will you just stop swearing? And if you mean if I can cook… well you can just take my captors' words for it…'

'Not good enough.' Kakazu interjected as for once, he agreed with his partner. 'We could be setting ourselves up here…'

Sakura glared and started to answer but Tobi distracted her as he bounced up and down beside her elbow with something in his hands… 'Miss, Miss! Your box! Is there food in here we can show everyone?'

'_Oh god no…'_ Sakura thought and blindly made a grab for the familiar box, but Kisame was there before her. He grabbed it and held it up high above his head before Sakura could swipe it off him then laughed as she tried to jump for it. 'Give that back, seriously Fish-Face, or it'll hurt.' Kisame grinned and shook his head. 'Heh now, no need for names… and you're wasting your time here trying to jump for it sweet-cheeks-omph!' Kisame was thrown straight back into the couch as one angry Sakura laid a painful punch into his gut, and then made to catch her box that had been dropped to the floor. Too slow though and Itachi had already caught and opened the white box before she could even reach him.

'Cookies…' He stated calmly and everybody (including a groaning Kisame) then crowded round to take one. A chewing and crumbling sound surrounded the group and then sounds of happy agreement. 'It's really fu- really good.' Hidan muttered out of surprise and everyone nodded quickly. 'I suppose you really can cook kunochi…' Deidara grinned as her chewed and waved over at a Sakura looking ready to pass out.

'Wait a minute.' Itachi plucked one out and studied the oddly dark cookie with a deep frown on his face. '… _Sweet Jesus_… it's my brother…' His eyes widened at the small blue design on the biscuit, rather the cute Sasuke design in blue icing. Everyone stopped chewing and went to stare at their own cookies – and grinned. 'Little crush eh?' Kisame whooped a little only to be silenced by a bang on his head from a furiously flushing Sakura who grabbed the box and the cookie from a frozen Itachi.

'Well then, we'll show you the kitchen then I suppose.' Sasori rolled his eyes and motioned towards a doorway and she suddenly found herself being pulled toward it with a highly excited, highly chattery Tobi.

Everybody else followed, except of course Itachi who just stood there, staring at the empty space in his hands.

---

'What. The. Hell?' Sakura summed up their kitchen perfectly in three simple words.

She could have sworn something had died in here. And she was willing to bet on it, with the smell that she had almost reeled from on entering the room. And it just wasn't the odour, the kitchen just seemed to consist of plates, saucepans and long forgotten food strewn well, everywhere.

'Do you think you could have tided it before you brought the cook in?' She asked sarcastically, making everyone behind her flinch slightly. 'Well… we aren't exactly wallowing in time to be honest…' Sakura turned to them quietly as Kakazu sharply answered back. 'So we'd like to start as soon as we can.'

'Yeah yeah… but one question before we start?' Sakura put up her finger to stop him. 'Why on EARTH, does an evil organization consisting of s-classed criminal want to learn how to cook?'

Everyone shuffled quietly and looked at each other. 'Money… we need money. And since we haven't exactly been rolling in it lately, we decided we'd have… a bake sale...' Itachi began talking, but hesitated at Sakura's expression. 'Well… the local village is having a big one in a week's time so… we… figured…'

He drifted on then as her expression became very skeptic.

'Has anyone told you you're all completely useless?' She asked, glancing blankly at each of them.

'It's been mentioned before.' Sasori answered dryly from the back.


	4. Chapter 4

**AN:** Ahhh. A special long chapter this time. D SO welcome to chapter 4 of my fanfic. Where we actually get to see some cooking. Ah, you know I'm writing a cooking (?) fic and I can't even cook myself. So most of the Akatsuki's experiences will be based on mine.

Btw, handy tip, never eat anything I cook. X.x

Happy New Year to everyone!

**Disclaimer:** I DON'T own any of these characters, I just write fanfiction for them. D

The Akatsuki, though grudgingly, had taken to her firm orders of 'so clean the bloody kitchen' and were in full swing of cleaning, sweeping and anything else that needing doing.

At first she had helped, mainly handing out what few cleaning utensils she could find hiding under the mess, but then Tobi had dropped an impossibly huge amount of plates and after having his head kicked in by Deidara, Itachi had sent him with Sakura upstairs to find a proper room.

Being dragged by a bubbly happy Akatsuki member by the hand was weird enough. But it wasn't the reason why her eyes were as wide as saucers as they passed the hallway. It was normalcy of the place that threw her off completely. She had expected at least a dark, dank place underground in the middle of no where, for a mastermind's hideout.

Instead, the obvious building rather reminded Sakura of her own apartment; airy, bright, probably slightly squashed for eight people, but nevertheless, a very friendly place to find murderers.

'_Well it explains their stupidity I suppose.' She_ thought as her arm was nearly ripped off as Tobi went up a flight of stairs. Her eyes blinked for a second, this hallway had plenty of windows and light was pouring in from all angles. 'This way Miss-Pink-chan.' Tobi called playfully as he took the hallway at a run. Sakura, her distraction hardly saved, stared out of the windows as they whisked past – the building seemed to be situated in a tiny village. Like that helped_. 'Maybe they're going for so-obvious-it-can't-be-true angle…?' _She wondered.

'Here!' Tobi stopped abruptly, hardly bracing as non-concentrating Sakura ran straight into him 'Whu?' She started. 'Your room Miss-Pink-chan.' Tobi answered happily then opened the door and dragged Sakura in. 'Uh… it's lovely…' She blinked around the simple though nicely furnished room. 'Tobi's glad you think so Miss-Pink-Chan!' Sakura turned her head slowly to stare at Akatsuki member that was bouncing up and down on his heels.

'You can just call Sakura, Tobi and…' Sakura glanced down 'You've shown me my room, so, can you let go of my hand now, please?' She frowned and tried to tug her hand away, to no success though, Tobi had taken a death-like-grip to it. 'But can't Tobi call you Miss-Pink-Chan, Miss-Pink-Chan? And Tobi likes holding hands, it makes Tobi feel all warm and fuzzy inside.'

Sakura face went from skeptical to a strange mixture of bewilderment and disbelief in a second. _'He can't be serious; it has to be an act… what kind of person lets someone like that into the Akatsuki??'_ Her worst fears seemed to be confirmed though as in a dash of happy exuberance, Tobi wildly began to swing his and her arm up and down.

_For a second she really wished he was a blood-thirsty murderer._

A sudden crash broke the happy moment, and Tobi froze in fear as a volley of screams were thrown out from downstairs. Taking her chance, Sakura ripped her hand from his and sprinted out of the room with Tobi hot on her heels. Ten seconds later she had skidded into the Kitchen to witness the beginning of a screaming match between Sasori and Deidara. She had no time to register it though for Tobi had ran into her at full force straight from behind and Sakura was slammed into the floor face first with a very loud remark of _'FUCK'_.

Everyone, including the ones screaming froze, blinked and turned to the girl sprawled out on the tiled floor along with at whimpering Tobi nearly on top of her.

'Goddamnit…' Sakura hissed as she pulled Tobi off and then herself up – all while clutching her nose. 'Whut tha ell' happened hare?!' All the Akatsuki simply stared at her blankly and Sakura had to take in the situation herself. Sasori looked completely innocent and unhurt, but Deidara, who was white with rage and shaking slightly, looking literally like he was ready to murder Sasori. The rest of them stood in a circle around the two, obviously on the verge of enjoying themselves.

Though at least the kitchen was relatively clean now.

'My hair…' Deidara finally managed to choke out. 'Whut?' Sakura remarked. 'MY HAIR GODAMMNIT WOMAN, SASORI RUINED IT! UN!' He screamed all of a sudden and pointed a shaking finger sharply at the stove which Sakura noted was on, to his hair of which Sakura also noted, was slightly singed at the end. 'Und….?' She started, her hand over her nose tightening as she did. 'And!... Why are you talking like that… un?' Deidara started to shake a fist, but it slowly failed as realization hit him.

'Her nose is bleeding.' Sasori calmly pointed out and Sakura scoffed – making the trickle of blood escaping her fist flow faster. 'Danks fer tha upsate genus.' She snarled at an impassive looking Sasori who shrugged. 'Ov curse mi noz is beeding-' 'Well _fix_ it then.'

Kakazu interjected and Sakura glanced with a frown at the stitched man. 'You're a medic aren't you, Itachi told us.' At that, Sakura glared daggers momentarily at Itachi, who flinched and looked up at the ceiling instead. 'So go out and fix it while we finish this off – Zetsu, if you're finished, go with her and make sure she doesn't pull us a fast one.'

Sakura couldn't help but throw a thankful expression in his direction for the embarrassing and bloody disaster he had saved her from, and with as much dignity as she could muster, she strode straight out into the living room. Zetsu quickly followed, after coughing down the last of a banana skin.

'Ughhh…' She couldn't help but flush furiously as soon as she was seated down on a couch. They were people she couldn't have any less respect for, but they were people nevertheless. And somewhere at that back of her head, she secretly admitted they were also men. But that was a very far away thought – quickly classed as stupid.

'Are you okay?' Zetsu bent down straight in front of the sitting Sakura. 'Fane-just mi noz-ugh…' She had let go of her nose for barely a fraction of a second before she clasped it straight back on. Zetsu's breath, even with giving him no credit, absolutely stank to high heaven. She scrunched her face up and turned her head away.

He didn't even blink, but instead, reached inside his threatening cloak and innocently pulled out a clean hanky. 'Just in case.' He replied politely when he noticed her raised eyebrow.

'**To wipe the blood off those I kill with my **_**bare**__**hands**_**…**' Sakura blinked.

'Whut?'

'You better stop the bleeding-**OR you can **_**bleed**_** to death BUWHAHA...!!**'

The conversation was only getting weirder by the second.

When Zetsu stopped his maniacal laughter and his expression became impassive again, Sakura backed off a few inches. 'Right… I'll do that.' Zetsu stepped away and nodded. 'Very well-_**kill**_** her, **_**purify**_** this demise!**-And also please excuse my split personality. It does not get along with new people… **no, I slowly rip out their **_**entrails**_**…**'

Sakura sighed very heavily, already getting used to the punctuated threats of torture then began to wipe her nose free of blood. Then in one quick movement of her fingers, she activated her medical jutsu and passed it briefly over her nose.

'You're an odd bunch aren't you?' She muttered as soon as she was finished. 'Odd-**odd?! PURE EVIL BUWHAHA!**' Zetsu remarked both calmly and hysterically. 'Well I mean you're not what I expected, that's all… here's your hanky.' Zetsu impassively took the now bloody rag from her hands and nodded.

'Thank you.' Sakura managed a weak smile for his politeness. 'You're welcome–**and I shall FEAST on your INNARDS as your SOUL slowly burns in hell! BWUAHAHA!' **Her smile quickly vanished.

---

'So let's get started..' Sakura began as she faced one orderly and oddly quiet line of Akatsuki. 'Firstly, I'll assume that all of you don't have a shred of knowledge about cooking.' There was a quiet mumble of agreement as confirmation. Sakura sighed – she was hoping for some miracle-of-a-chance that one of them might know how to make toast. 'Second, I don't know how much money you need, but if you want to make anything through a cake sale – we're going to need everybody help, all right? So no slacking off.' There was fidgeting at this.

'Thirdly though, you're blessed you're only doing a cake sale. That means we only have to concentrate on baking. It'll still be complicated, but we'll start simple.' Sakura couldn't help but smile at the end of her little speech. Her hands went to her hips and she puffed out her chest a little. No matter who much of dangerous situation she was, she couldn't help enjoy the _power_ she had over this group she had previously thought as almost godly. Yet there they were, barely twiddling their thumbs as they intently listened with apprehension.

'All right… as baking 101, we're going to make brownies.'

There was a simultaneous mutter of _'ohgod' _punctuated by a 'YAY – ow!' from Tobi in front.

'Though first were going to need ingredients.' Sakura had dreaded this moment – odds were for any number of men living under one roof, it was unlikely there would be anything past milk and leftover Chinese in the fridge. 'Well?' Another quiet shuffling.

'… We need, sugar, flour – the cooking kind.' Sakura added after seeing the confusion on their faces. 'Chocolate, eggs and some vanilla essence if you have any… you don't have any of this do you?' Sakura finally went for stark reality on the situation. They stared at her blankly, as if they expected her to magic it up in her hands.

'All right. Twenty minutes.' She stated. 'Till' what? Un.' A still rather pissed off looking Deidara responded. 'Till' I sit down in the living room and refuse to take part in this at all – unless you can all get me those five simple ingredients of course.'

'Hey, wait a god… darned second. Where are we meant to get… any of those??' Hidan angrily interjected. 'Well I don't know, improvise, you're bloody freaking shinobi for god's sake. Besides, we can't do anything until you all have those five basic things.

They all looked at each other. 'She has a point.' Itachi spoke up, but then glanced with a frown at her. 'You all though? Nice try…. Zetsu, stay with her.' Sakura rolled her eyes. 'Well done genius.' Itachi twitched slightly. 'Just because I'm agreeing to your little scheme doesn't mean I'll try not to escape, true. Lucky someone like you spotted that though, ne?'

Sakura turned from a shocked looking Akatsuki just in time to miss Itachi's expression turn to fury and plopped herself down on the couch in the sitting room without a care in the world for pissing off a family-murdering psychopath. Then silently and awkwardly, all of them began to file out and/or vanish from sight until it was just her and Zetsu. And Tobi, until he was dragged away screeching of course.

She sighed and began to fiddle with the end of skirt. Even if she was just giving orders for a week, it was still going to be mentally exhausting. And no matter how ridiculously innocent (_e.g. Tobi_) or stupid (_e.g. Hidan_) they were, somewhere, under that silly façade (she had deluded herself into thinking of), there were intent killers hiding.

Sure she could tease them now, piss them off to her heart's desire for right now they needed her alive and willing. But if they were true to their titles of Akatsuki members, most likely, once she was used, she'd be either dead, or simply a prisoner. _'Come to think of it… I didn't even try to bargain my life when I agreed to this scheme…'_ She wondered in mutters, rather sadly then flopped her chin down into her upturned palms. 'Like it… matters I suppose….'

'**Matters, NOTHING will matter when I reign the world with an IRON fist...! BUWHAHAHA.'**

Sakura glanced at Zetsu fighting to keep his face straight. _'Though, then again, I might get lucky….'_

---

'All right… eggs, flour… chocolate, sugar… that all?' Kisame stuffed all the ingredients into Sakura's hands. 'Look's like enough… but… um, why do you have marks all over your face?' She eyed the tiny… blue-ish red peck-like marks. Kisame cringed. 'Eggs come from chickens right? Well apparently chickens don't like having their eggs taken from them…' Sakura raised an eyebrow and opened her mouth to question further but, looking both cheesed and embarrassed, Kisame had walked briskly into the Kitchen with everyone else before she could.

'Um, good actually, but one thing. The vanilla essence?' She followed Kisame in. 'This is all I could get.' Itachi fought not to make eye contact as he shoved a box of vanilla ice cream into her already overloaded hands. 'Fine… we'll make do… though it probably won't taste as good I warn you.'

She pushed them aside and spread out her ingredients onto the table. 'All right. Let's get started… then….' She stretched a little then turned on her heel to face them.

'Hidan, turn on the oven… it's the bottom one, Kakazu, direct him, Sasori, put that chocolate in the microwave, _yes the box_. Deidara, find me a bowl. Kisame, start putting….' For the first few seconds of Sakura barking orders, the Akatsuki either ignored her or stared, confused at her. But as the little pink blur began to whisk around the kitchen, pulling out all odds and ends they didn't recognize, they began to move to the commands that were coming thick and fast from Sakura.

Bedlam was the only way to describe it.

But at least there was some control over said chaos. Sakura after a moment, had taken to standing in the middle, trying to shout orders over the din as everyone rushed confused into either each other, or what they were meant to be doing. Finally though it calmed down and some of them stood aside as Sakura poured the correct amount of ingredients into one mixing bowl and stepped back. 'Right. Who wants to try the mixing bowl?'

'...'

'Oh really Itachi? _You'd love to_? Well we'd better allow you then.'

'Wait, I didn't-' His attempt at flailing denial was useless as Sakura physically dragged Itachi over and planted him in front of the full mixing bowl. A snigger rose among everyone else, and Itachi stared down on the bowl as if it was going to bite him.

'Sleeves up.' Sakura commanded.

'What?' Itachi stared dumbly back at her.

'I said sleeves up. I have no idea where those cloaks have been after all.'

In an unsure and skeptical way, Itachi rolled up his sleeves then looked to Sakura for directions. _'Add Itachi to the examples of stupidity… and Sasuke-kun, anybody who can't catch this idiot needs work on their brain.'_ Sakura grabbed his hands and put one on the bowl then the other on the spoon. 'Now we mix like this.' Slowly, she began to push his hand on the spoon in an anti-clockwise movement. Itachi grinded for a second, his spoon refusing to move through the cement like mixture. 'No, no. Really go for it.'

Sakura leaned herself in closer to him to get a better grip on his hand. Though a little too close, for he suddenly backed off from her – she realized – chest pressing into his elbow. Non-existant perhaps, but it still made him turn the slightest shade of pink. _'Itachi… blushing…?'_ She thought for a second, but shook it away.

'It won't mix by itself you know…' Sakura stared at him, in an almost curious way.

'I-I'll do it by myself thank you…' He hissed back and forcefully started on the mixture. Sakura watched, her critical eyes narrowing on each circle of the glass bowl.

'Go _faster_ Itachi, or we'll be here all night.' Itachi grunted and went for it. 'Faster not slower I said.' He twitched and lifted it to get a better grip. 'No… _faster_!' Beads of sweat began to appear on his brow as he nearly broke his equipment pushing it. '_Faster_ Itachi!.'

Kisame, behind Sakura, at that point couldn't help but break into peels of laughter. As he did, the more knowledgeable sniggered along with him too, while the clueless innocently continued to stare on at the scene curiously

'YES, _faster_ Ita- . . .' Kisame's enjoyment was short lived as Sakura made one tactical stamp on his unsuspecting foot. His face froze in mid-laughter and then he turned an impressive shade of white.

'That'll be enough.' Sakura lifted her foot from his and reached over to take the mixing bowl. 'Anything else you boys want to add, or will I put this in the cooker?' They all silently shook their heads – Kisame including as he backed off to nurse his foot.

'Thanks.' She threw a mixed look at Itachi, who looked in as much pain (from embarrassment) as Kisame then poured the mixture into one well oiled glass container and finally popped it in the oven.

'It'll be ready in twenty minutes… okay, now who wants to help me clean?' Though this time, they knew the drill and every one of them made a desperate dash for the door. All succeeding, except of course of course Kisame who could barely hobble, let alone get away from a frowning Sakura in his path. 'Well?'

'All right. Sorry…' Kisame grumbled. 'But you have to admit, it was funny….' Sakura didn't look amused, so he quickly continued 'And I even got those eggs off those stupid _birds_… do you have any idea how hard it is for someone of my size to fit in a chicken coop?!' At this, Sakura shoved some plates into his hands. 'I'm thankful yeah, but giving me crap isn't going to help. Do you have any idea how hard it is to be kept as a hostage, forced to _cook_?' Kisame blinked. 'Well… no. But it could be worse.'

Sakura sighed. 'Just help me clean up and you can go… and since I'm feeling nice, I'll heal your foot too….'

Kisame finally allowed himself to whimper slightly and turned to the sink.

---

One blue foot and fully baked brownies later and Sakura had managed to group up the Akatsuki in the living room after enlisting the help of Tobi (who had – _naturally_ - came back to annoy once the cleaning was done).

'The fruits of your labour.' Sakura smacked the plate of brownies down on the coffee table. Cautiously this time, everyone took a small piece. 'They're… not hectic…. Un….' Deidara finally commented once the slow chewing and distorted faces had stopped. 'Well no… that's what the vanilla essence was for. It brings out the taste. Without it, it's just flour and chocolate mixed then heated. And that's why…' Sakura folded her arms.

'I'm going shopping tomorrow.'

Her declaration took a moment to sink in. 'Absolutely not… besides, that's what we have the internet for.' Kakazu spoke up after the disbelieving silence. 'Absolutely yes, I need specific things… not Ebay.' Her honest words settled the matter in seconds.

'Well…' Deidara slowly began all of a sudden. 'Who's taking you then?'

Sakura was nearly knocked back by the sudden simultaneous shout of 'ME' and 'TOBITOBITOBITOBI' which came from surprisingly everyone. Obviously their safety took a back-seat when it came to women.

Sakura massaged her temples and sighed. The last thing she needed was a full frontal masculine shouting match right now.

'We'll all go. To the local supermarket.' She spoke over the arguments. 'Tomorrow, ten sharp.'

'That's absurd…. One of us is dangerous enough.' Sasori stepped in to disagree. 'Absurd as having a place this obvious? I think you'd be safer going shopping with me….' Sakura idly responded. 'I mean, you might as well walk outside with Akatsuki strapped to your front.'

After pointing out the logic, it was silently agreed. 'Ten _sharp_. Un.' Deidara grinned to himself and nodded along with everyone else.

**AN:** Ah. Itachi 3 Gotta' love him.

AND SHOPPING AKATSUKI next chapter! So stay tuned.


	5. Chapter 5

**AN:** It's here, it's back. *GASP*. YES. Chap 5 ladies and gentlemen of our all favourite cooking crew.

I suppose I don't have much excuse for the late-ness of this... other then I was INCREDIBLY busy with a lot of exams, Christmas, birthdays... etc. But I'll try to be more active with it now, because I've been thinking alot about this story, and I have quite a few things for this planned, some good, some bad... Let's hope for the best ne?

Anyways, enjoy the akatsuki shopping trip. Know I did. :3

**Disclaimer:** I DON'T own any of these characters, I just write fanfiction for them. =D

Sunlight skimmed at the edges of Sakura's closed eyes and she groaned, throwing an arm over her exposed face. '_Huh... what happened to my bloody blinds...'_ She turned from the bright shaft of sunlight, and then opened her eyes to the very unfamiliar wall. 'Eh?' Sakura mumbled, confused.

'Awake Missy Pinky!?'

The overly enthusiastic voice cut the peace then and Sakura jumped up with a yelp. 'Did you sleep well?!' Over the initial shock, she slowly turned her eyes on a bright orange mask, nose to nose with her face.

Sakura's eye twitched as yesterdays' events came flooding back to her. Flour and all. With that, she was reminded of where she was at that moment, plus who that orange mask belonged to.

'Tobi... what are you doing?'

Sakura sighed and roughly pushed Tobi's face away with the palm of her hand. He fell back with a slight yelp onto the hardwood floor.

'Well...' She swung her legs out of bed as Tobi picked himself up and started to chatter. 'Tobi got bored and couldn't sleep...' Tobi tapped the end of his mask. 'So he decided he'd come and here and wait with Miss Cherry Blossom... but she was still asleep. So Tobi sat in that chair and waited by himself' He sighed unhappily and rubbed his hair.

Sakura fumbled with her huge, stained t-shirt Hidan had so lovingly lent her for the night. Tobi was one thing - watching her while she slept was creepy, yet it was also oddly cute. But she couldn't help throwing a suspicious glance to the ceiling and to the end of her bed for any more bored Akatsuki eyes fixed on her. Once satisfied she and the dunce were completely alone, she stood and walked towards the window to look out on a dreary looking day.

_'Shopping... with the Akatsuki.'_ If Sakura hadn't been so tired from the day before, she probably would have fretted all night about the concept. Luckily she had slept like a log however but the daunting task just seemed all the more worse.

She turned back on the eager Tobi, bouncing on his toes behind her. 'Listen... you...' Sakura hesitated on using Tobi's name (she had heard it enough already and the day had hardly begun). 'You wake the others kay'? I'll get dressed and we'll head out.'

Tobi made a few happy noise of which she concluded as a yes and satisfied, Sakura started to bend down to pick the clothes up from the floor. Only to freeze all of a sudden, eyes widening at the feeling in her chest.

_'No... not here, not now.'_

A cough racked her body, then another, which caused the girl to fall to her knees. 'C-crap!' Sakura immediately clamped a hand over her mouth, trying to silence it, but it came out anyways, as choked gasps of pain.

Tobi, who was halfway out the door, doubled back curiously and then with fright at the sight of Sakura struggling to breath on the floor. 'Miss! Miss! You all right? Will Tobi pat your back? Will he get some water?? Will he-' He frantically went down through his list of options. Sakura simply shook her head though and waved him angrily away from her breathing space.

Then, after what seemed like an eternity, her coughing finally died and she gasped the welcome air. 'O-oh god...' She muttered as she wiped her mouth.

Tobi, apprehensive, watched from afar and once she was standing again, dared to speak. 'U-um! ... Tobi will go get that glass of water...' Sakura glared at him and Tobi flinched. 'And?' He thought hard - something Sakura imagined was difficult for him. 'Go... Wake... Everyone... else...?' He asked hopefully then.

'Good boy.'

That idiotic compliment alone seemed to poke the incident, minutes ago, out of his mind instantly and Tobi beamed through his mask with pleasure. 'Good Boy, yup, Good boy!' He repeated in a sing song voice as he danced out the door, Sakura staring stupidly after him.

As soon as he was gone, she glanced carefully down on her hand, and her face screwed up angrily then at the sight of what her choked coughs had given her.

'Fuck.' Sakura reached across to the bed and wiped off the blood onto the sheets, then turned the sheets upside down.

---

For a group of mastermind evildoers, Sakura couldn't believe the attention they received in this town. That being absolutely zilch. The villagers hardly looked twice, as if they were used to seeing the crowd of obvious Akatsuki pass on through these certain streets.

Then again, this part of town did seem too remote for anyone here to recognize them. It was surprisingly large, but one quick look round the streets and Sakura could tell it was near being deserted. Half of the buildings they passed were boarded up, while the street they walked down was covered by patchy dirt and grass. Honestly, a town as their choice of hideout hadn't been the best, but at least the morons had found a suitable place in that town, that wasn't _completely_ obvious.

She glanced up, at the unfamiliar mountains then sighed. _'Worst of all, I haven't a damn clue where I am....'_ Her day-dreaming of a moon-less night escape was becoming less and less likely.

'Fucking-Jashin-fucking-damnit! This isn't being sneaky' Hidan wasn't holding back on the swearing today, after he had nearly turned purple from keeping in all the atrocities. Kisame, on the same mind-track, nodded eagerly in agreement. 'Yeah did all of us have to go?'

_Roughly translated 'Why did YOU all have to come?'_

Deidara, who was walking in front, rolled his eyes dramatically and sighed, 'We're not going to let a lady carry all that shopping y'know, un.' Kisame muttered something under his breath. 'How much are we planning to buy anyways?' Itachi calmly asked then.

'Better question being, how much can we buy?' Sasori, who ignoring the conversation up to now, butted in. The Akatsuki automatically looked towards Kakazu, at the mention of money, who sighed and pulled out a sheet from his cloak. After glancing down on it for a second with a mutter of calculating, he looked up and shrugged. 'We have enough I suppose.'

Sakura perked up from her daydreaming as they reached what seemed like a main street. The dusty road seemed far from the centre of a metropolis, but at least it didn't look totally abandoned. A few stragglers walked up and down it, their heads bowed, not even glancing to the large and strange looking group of men and one single female kunochi. Which she admitted, was rather strange.

They came to main shop close to the end of the long road. Weirdly enough, it was quite a substantial shop, though a little patched in a few places.

'Chocolate!' Was the first thing she heard along with the small tinkle from the bell above her head in entrance. She didn't even need to turn to know that a Deidara was battling with over-excited Tobi.

Fluorescent hell was the only way to describe the inside of it though. Sakura had to blink a few times to stop her eyes from hurting. Once that was done, she glanced round at the rather sparse collection of vegetables and noodles. 'Right...' She turned back on the waiting, bored looking group of trained killers. 'I'm going... to go get what I need. Er... try not to make a mess?'

She started to move off, hands reaching automatically for a shopping basket but her groping hands found none. Sakura looked down, puzzled. 'God... should of known. Hey!' She called out to the obedient Akatsuki still blocking the entrance to the shop. 'One of you, give me a hand to carry some of the stuff will you?'

Hidan, being the closest to the edge of the group was shoved slightly by Kakazu forward and with a very verbal swear, he mooched up to Sakura, glaring the whole time. '... Fine fucking whatever.' Sakura glared straight back and turned up the baking isle section without a comment. Down through her mind, she listed what she needed.

'Flour being first.' She said outloud to herself and immediately stepped to the right, picking up a huge bag of the white stuff and turned to Hidan who was following grumpily behind her and dumped it into his hands. 'Oomph! What the fuck?'

His loud exclamation was followed as she pushed another bag of flour into his hands. 'H-heavy...' Hidan thought as he strained with the seemingly impossible sacks. 'That too much?' Sakura said sarcastically after a moment of scanning the raisins. 'Fuck off no!' Hidan strained a little but straightened his spine anyways.

'Whatever you say...' Sakura mumbled and continued searching the shelves for Rose's Brand Self Raising Flour. At the end of the section, she spotted the thankfully familiar coloured box and walked over, picking up the box that was at face level.

'EEK!' Sakura let out a shriek at the Itachi-head behind suddenly popped out where she had just picked up the self raising flour. For that fleeting second then as she fell back four feet, she wondered if someone back at the entrance had become edgy and bored, decapitating the Uchiha and setting the head behind a raisin box for a joke. It seemed like the sort of thing Hidan would do, of course, that thing stood groaning behind her with a ton of flour in his hands.

And Itachi-head had also been glaring at her. Though she wouldn't put that past Itachi even in decapitation.

'What... the hell?' Sakura blinked, regaining composure after a second. 'See anything Itachi??' A voice called out from the aisle over. 'No... now pull me out damn it Kisame... It's the baking section anyways.' There was a shuffling and a mutter behind and Itachi suddenly popped out back into his own aisle.

_'Great... They're going to end up either killing someone... or making a complete mess of the place' _Sakura thought as she picked up the box again with an angry frown. _'Though did I expect them to stand still while I shopped?'_ Her fears were confirmed as suddenly, an over excited Tobi ran past, arms full of lollipops, with a Deidara hot on his heels. She had to step back right into the shelves as the lollipops flew all over the place, but before she comprehend what exactly he was screaming, both of them were gone down the next aisle

'Sorry about that.' Sasori calmly came around the corner, picking up the small sugar coated lollipops Tobi had left in his wake and then too disappeared down the aisle.

'... Can we get a fucking move on?' Hidan's angry voice was accompanied by a grunt. Sakura sighed and moved on, quickly plucking what she could from the shelves in the baking section then rushed to the counters, Hidan behind her now laden down with an assortment of different flour types.

'What the fu-??' Sakura exclaimed as they turned the final corner, they were greeted of the sight of a few very happy looking members in the fruit section. Deidara in particular, who was having far too much fun licking all the oranges with... _were those mouths on his hands?!_ 'Look Miss! It's like a bunch of mini Kunai's stuck on a melon!' Tobi flew in front of Sakura, proudly holding up a huge pineapple. 'Ohgod...' Sakura freed a hand from her load and rubbed her temples. 'Ohgod... Tobi...' He had managed to rummage through the big pile of pineapples, apparently searching for the largest and the rest had spilled out onto the floor. Zetsu was already on the scene though, eating his way through whatever had fallen onto the floor... spikes and all. In the least, the rest of them had gathered to watch the little amusing show all in one place.

'Right I'm done-' Sakura started 'Thank fucking Jashin!' A Hidan moaned behind her. '-So, um, I need some money to buy this stuff.' Everyone automatically at that point looked towards Kakazu, who heaved a sigh and rather grudgingly handed out a small handful of coins rather grudgingly.

The shopkeeper had of course been gaping at the group the whole time, but didn't even manage a word as Sakura dumped the whole collection of baking materials on his counter. Eyes still boggling out of his head, he started to beep the baking stuff through the system. Of course, the Akatsuki saw their chance and started dumping onto the counter whatever they could get their nail polished hands on. Tobi was the first, pulling a bag of lollipops from god knows where onto the counter. Deidara snappily brushed them off, then himself hypocritically threw a couple of bottles of shampoo on. Just as Kisame was sneaking a ten pound salmon on then, Sakura burst and pushed them away roughly, throwing the extra assorted goods onto the floor.

'Sorry.' Sakura snapped quietly to the still flabbergasted shopkeeper, paid, then walked smartly out of the shop, Akatsuki trailing after her.

_'Hell. That was an experience and a half...' _Sakura glared around at the now bored looking Akatsuki then looked down at her arms, double checking the baking supplies. _'Eggs. Damnit.'_

Sakura started to turn back where she had just came from. 'Where you going un? We have everything right?' Deidara called back from the Akatsuki group who had begun to tramp home. 'Uh. Forget eggs...' She called back. Deidara shrugged and starting moving with the herd of blacks and reds.

_'I'm free...?' _

Was the first thought that crossed her mind as soon as they left her behind. Of course, plenty more factors the Akatsuki and her could take in, lack of supplies, no knowledge of the area and also the fact that a bunch of S-classed criminals could quickly track down her within a matter of hours. After knowing them for twenty-four hours though... was it more likely they trusted her to stay put?

'D-don't think w-were f-fucking s-s-stupid...' The near collapse Hidan still stood there though, eyeing Sakura with painfully intent pink eyes. 'Go get your fucking eggs, then were going...' He breathed a sigh of relief as he placed the bags of flour down finally. Sakura glared back and disappeared into the shop, re-appearing a moment later.

---

The walk back with Hidan wasn't awkward, more like a silent space between two people who knew a lot better then to talk. Sakura didn't mind all that much; it was better then him swearing in the least. After spending just a few hours with him, she could see why Kakazu loathed him dearly.

She glanced down at the supplies snuggled close to her chest. And the material they rested against. Sakura frowned. She had been stuck in the same starched nurse's uniform for a day now, and it was likely to be a week - if ever - til' she got a hold of something clean and more friendly to the eyes. Why couldn't people take along spare clothing when they took hostages?

Sakura shivered. The sun had all but disappeared in the place of threatening rain clouds when they had been in the supermarket and a chill breeze blew about her uncovered arms and legs. Behind her, Hidan made yet another swear at what she assumed was the weight of the flour. She held her arms closer, trying to force the goosebumps away.

As they reached the end of the main road a shop caught Sakura's attention. Its' windows were dirty and fogged up, but just through the grime, she could catch a glimpse of a rather nice looking red outfit. It was by no means fancy, but it least the sweater coupled with a long skirt looked warm.

_'Maybe I should steal it?' _Sakura slowed for a second, then pushed that idea away into her brain. _'Woe is me... I'm meant to be the good one. Might as well act it...' _She sighed and shook her head, following the swearing Hidan quickly who had overtaken her.

_'Or make Tobi do it.' _She couldn't help but grin.

**AN:** Thanks a million for reading. Keep an eye out for the next chapter. :3


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